bee dee

They also mention enemies that abused them and friends who didn’t do enough to defend them.

i have never been this annoyed all at once.

Interviewer: Well… Where are you coming from?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: (pause) Well… I don’t like the way the country’s ran, don’t you know, and, erm… that’s pretty much what i was expressing in my poem. The government… the American government - they’re sneaky, they’re very deceitful, they’re liars, they’re cheats, they’re rip-offs. I mean, the American government is one systematic government that…that nobody can trust. I don’t trust them myself.

Interviewer: And how long have you been writing for?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Huh?

Interviewer: How long have you been writing for?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Since I was four.

Interviewer: Do you do this sort of thing a lot, like, open-mic kinda questions?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Oh, I love open-mics, I love coming here to do open-mics, absolutely.

Interviewer: What kind of reactions do you usually get?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Usually, people are… are pretty much in agreement with what I’m saying.

Interviewer: We overheard you before talking about… you went to court today for a speeding ticket?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: That’s accurate.

Interviewer: right. Do you wanna tell us that story?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Yes, absolutely, I wouldn’t mind telling you the story. Erm… I went to court today for a speeding ticket, and I told the judge, erm… “Let me tell you something, and you listen and you listen good, I’m only gonna say this one time and one time only, I don’t repeat myself for nobody,” I said. I says… “I’m here to pay a speeding ticket, not to listen to your lectures and hear you run your mouth for an hour.” I says “I’m here to pay off my speeding ticket …and I’m here to get my fines out of the way and get the fuck to work.” The judge says “You can’t talk like that in my courtroom, you’re in contempt of court.” then I said… I told the judge, “If that’s the best you can do, I feel sorry for you.” I said “Why don’t you just shut your fucking mouth for once and listen.” I said “I’m not gonna take any shit.” I said “I’m gonna pay my speeding ticket like I said.” I walked up to the god damn judge and I hand him my 25 dollars and I says “Here’s my money, now I am leaving.”
And I left it at that.

(At this point the interview fades whilst the music grows in intensity)

Then, before I left, I turned around and told the judge “I’m here to state who I am and be honest with you.” I said “If they thought I was dangerous on the road like you’re trying to accuse me of, wouldn’t they have taken my license when I first got it? Yes they would.” And the judge says “Yeah, you have a point,” He goes “You don’t need to get loud,” I said “Don’t get loud?” I says “I’ve got every right to get loud.” I says “You can’t do a god damn thing about it, because I’m expressing myself in your court, and there is nothing you can do about it. You think you’re god because you have a robe and you can put people up the goddamn river for 20 years? Well you’re not.”
And I left it at that.

Interviewer: Did you walk away?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Yes I did… I don’t like the judicial system, I don’t like the government system, I don’t like the police, I don’t like anything to do with this country’s government. I just don’t like it, because… they’re sneaky, like I said - they’re deceitful, they’re lying, they’re cheats, they rip people off. That’s the American government for you. America is a third world country, and people don’t recognise it… and I think that that’s pretty god damn sad, that they don’t recognise their own country as a third world, third rate, third class slum.

Interviewer: Well… Do you have any weapons?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Yes, I do. I own a high-powered assault rifle, I own a 12-gauge double barrel shotgun, I own a regular shotgun, I own a regular hunting rifle, I own a 9mm, a 357, a 45 handgun, a 38 special, and, erm… I own an m-16 fully automatic ground assault rifle…

Interviewer: Do you think things are gonna get better before they get worse?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: No way. Things are just gonna get worse and keep on getting worse. Like I said, America’s a third world country as it is and… and we’re just basically in a hopeless situation as it stands.

Interviewer: What do you think this country’s gonna look like in the year 2003?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Y’know, I’ll tell you the truth - nothing against you guys, but I don’t wanna answer that question because… I haven’t even got a mind that’s that…that inhumane.

Interviewer: are you ready for what’s coming?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Ready as I’ll ever be.

Interviewer: Most people aren’t.

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: There’s a little saying… Dates back for generations…

Interviewer: Go on…

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Be prepared for anything at any time from anybody, don’t take no shit, always stand your ground. People wanna come up to me and run their mouth - guess what? I’ll throw them through the fucking window… I won’t think a thing of it.

Interviewer: Would you mind reciting your poem for us?

Blaise Bailey Finnegan III: Not at all, I don’t see why… I don’t see why I couldn’t.

There’s an evil virus that’s threatening mankind
It’s not state of the art, it’s a serious state of the mind
The muggers, the backstabbers, the two faced elite
A menace to society, a social disease
To brainwash the mind is a social disorder
The cynics, the apathy one-upmanship order
Watching beginnings of social decay
Gloating and sneering at life’s disarray
Eating away at your own self esteem
Pouncing on every word that you might be saying
To attack someone’s mind is a social disorder
The constitution, the government, martial law order
Superficially smiling a shake of the hand
As soon as your back is turned treason is planned
When every good thing’s laid to rest
By the governments hate, by the constitution and their lies
And every time you think you’re safe
And when you go to turn away
You know they’re sharpening all their knives
All in your mind
All in your head
Try to relate it
All in your mind
All in your head
Try to escape it
Without a conscience they destroy
And that’s a thing that they enjoy
They’re a sickness that’s in all of our minds
They want to sink the ship and leave
The way they laugh at you and me
You know it happens all the time
But it only happens in your mind
The rats in the cellar you know who you are…
Or do you?
Watching beginnings of social decay…

Interviewer: Thank you for your time.

i’m not anything that i wanted to be when i got this old. to me this is old. eighteen is a lifetime for some people and i’ve done nothing. i’ve never been in a good relationship, i regret every relationship that i have had and all the things that i could have done. i regret never telling you that i love you and i regret wasting so much time with you because i felt bad for you and i felt bad for myself. i am sorry i never reciprocated any sort of comfort that you gave me. i regret everything without having any regrets. i don’t wallow everyday i just think about how things are and nothing is going to change that. i know i shouldn’t have done all the things i did but they’re already done. i’m okay with that too, i guess. things have turned out the way they have for better or worse and there is nothing i can do. i have no control of how my past turned out and because of that i feel hopeless, because of that i have no control over the future or present. the past effects me everyday and that sense of helplessness always lingers in every action i commit. i am helpless in everything i do. i don’t mind that though. theres no changing that. i am helpless just like everyone else. i am at the whim of the events i can’t change. i am at the mercy of my past and there is nothing i can do. i don’t think i would do it anyways or at least i’ll tell myself that so i can sleep at night.
i don’t even have the friends that i want to have but i don’t even know what kind of friend i’m looking for. i thought i knew that i wanted to be your friend no matter what, no matter all the things i had to ignore. you started dating someone and then things became so different. i don’t even talk to you anymore and the times we do talk conversation is forced and awkward. it doesn’t flow with the ease and upbeat flow that it used to. we both know things are different and that we’re not the friends we were and that in a few years we’ll be memories to each other. i’m looking for a friend that doesn’t exist. i’m looking for a concept not a tangiable thing or person. i am creating excuses to be alone. i am making up reasons to not be peoples friends. i guess i’m happier doing that then doing what i do everyday. i pretend. when i’m alone i feel calm and at ease. you know, that’s a lie. when i’m alone i feel nothing. i don’t feel anything. my surroundings don’t effect me at all. i’m feel no pain or joy or insecurity when i’m alone. i think i like not feeling at all then feeling at the things that i should. maybe i’m making excuses to not feel.

the friends i do have don’t mean anything to me and i don’t know how to feel about that. i don’t even care to think about how i should feel or if i actually feel anything at all. i’ve lost all hope in all people. i remember the way i used to think and the way i used to feel, i remember it, but i can’t feel it ever again. friends mean nothing to me now. i can’t find it in me to care about people anymore and i think i’m scared to say that or to realize that that’s how i really feel but its a dull feeling. it passes as quickly as it comes. people who once meant the world to me are strangers and the people i see everyday are just people. i have no attachment to them like i used to. i’m not scared of being alone and i don’t mind being alone. i prefer being absolutely alone rather than being around people. its become such a heavy burden. i go out because people want me to. i’d rather stay home. i hangout with friends because they want me to. i talk to them about things they want to. i listen to things they want me to. i tell them the things they want to hear. i am there because they want me there. i’ve been doing this for so long that i forget what it actually feels like to genuinely want to be someone’s friend. now its just another friend is another burden, another person i have to serve, another voice that i listen to. i know that they’ll eventually learn that they don’t have to pretend to listen to things i have to say. they’ll learn that i really am there just because they want me there and it won’t change a thing. they’ll still make me go out anf they’ll make me waste my time with them while they could be doing the same  thing alone. i’ve always wanted to be a good friend and i’ve always tried to give everything i could to my friends. i’ve always told myself that in order to be a good friend this is what i had to do but honestly i don’t think i’ve ever wanted to. i did it anyways but now i can’t. i can’t sit through the same conversations and the same situations over and over anymore. i’ve lost even the will to try. it takes no effort but i can’t. its too much of a burden to carry.
i don’t want to offend the people who care about me now and who call me their friend but i just don’t think i can handle this responsibility anymore. i’ve felt this way for a long time now, probably longer than i can recall, i’ve just been too busy convincing myself otherwise. i’m a bad friend and a bad person just like everyone else. no one has any right to trust me or to care for me because i can’t reciprocate that. if i can’t trust anyone then no one should trust me. i have no attachment to anyone and no one should attach themselves to me. i just want the people who care about me to think about why. i want them to realize they have no reason to care about me. i don’t give them any reason to care about me. i don’t want people to care about me. honestly i think that’s it. i can’t care about anyone and i don’t want to offend anyone by not caring, so don’t care about me. i won’t care about you, ever.
everyday convesations, even just the ones in passing, are a burden. this has nothing to do with me feeling sorry for myself and this doesn’t mean i want to kill myself. its never been about killing myself. i think whats kept me alive up until now through everything are the burdens of everyday life. i don’t know exactly what’s changed but somewhere along the lines it stopped being about that. i don’t wake up in the mornings because other people want me to. i do it because what else is there to do? i would rather ease myself of all the burdens there are because i see no reason to be burdened. i could ask myself everyday what’s my reason for living and no matter the answer i am still alive. reasons and meanings don’t change much in life and if anyone ever tells you that they do they’re liars but we’re all liars so even then what does it matter?